Dear Eating Disorder

Dear E.D.,

You have been living in my head for about 6 years now. You’re probably used to me living in fear of you, worshipping you, and letting you control me, so this may come as somewhat of a surprise. I’m standing up to you. I’m no longer going to let you walk all over me. I’m done listening to everything you say and following your every order. Nobody, no friend, family member, significant other, stranger, or voice in my head can control me. I am my own person and only I can control myself.

I take full responsibility for listening to you for all those years as it has been a conscious choice, and now I am making the choice to ignore you until you go away. You’ve hurt me so much and I won’t let you abuse me any longer. You have convinced me to hurt my own body by restricting food, binge eating, and purging.

You’ve told me I’m fat for so long that I began to believe it, to live as if it were true. I’ve missed out on so many opportunities because of the influence you have over me. You’ve convinced me, so many times, to skip school because I felt too fat to go. You eventually talked me into dropping out altogether.

I’ve refused to do things with my family and friends because of how much I ate the day before. I haven’t worn a bathing suit in public in years. Even at my lowest weight, around 125, I felt the need to lose more weight.

I feel the same at my current weight, which is my highest weight, then I did at 125. I’ve become obsessed with numbers: Calories, carbohydrates, pounds and serving sizes.  Everything has to be perfect and exact or you make me feel like SHIT! You’re never satisfied, and I’ve come to realize that you never will be. I’ll never be good enough for you.

Even if I let you kill me, you’d still think I’m fat and ugly and weak. And I know that is your goal, to destroy me. For a long time, I bought into the sweet things you would tell me; you’ll make me beautiful, you’ll make me feel special, I’d be nothing without you. I see past that now.

You don’t care about me, you whisper the same things to millions of other girls every day. You’re collecting bodies. You don’t care about any of us, and I am fighting back, for me and the rest of us. Loving Yourself Is the Greatest Revolution! I am taking back control of my body and my mind.

I’m breaking up with you, Ed.