Before Fulshear, I sincerely despised myself. There were days I was so depressed, it was impossible to get out of bed. My self-loathing, depression, and the hypersensitive anxiety I felt were in the driver and passenger seat of the car that was my life. I felt voiceless, miserable, and hopeless– incapable of doing anything, unworthy of any love or help from those around me, and content within my suffering because it had grown so familiar. I settled for being a backseat driver to my life, my own importance, and self-care overrun by imagined threats.
Since coming to Fulshear, I’ve made some important discoveries about the fundamental facts of who I am. They’ve guided the journey I’ve had here and will continue to filter how I see the world as I step out into it, as a whole person.
Number one, my passions don’t go unnoticed (my penchant for lavender, music, art). Number two, I have a voice worth listening to. Number three, I am worthy of all connections– the ones I have now, the ones I’ll have in the future, and the (now positive) one I have with myself. Number four, I am not limited or defined by the negative beliefs I have about myself. And number five (the last on this super abridged list), I am my core meaning: Significant.
Upon entering this program, I was forced to step out of myself and evaluate who I was, at my core. Finding both my core issues (I am worthless, misunderstood, and unimportant) and my core meaning (I am Significant), has been the single most powerful thing throughout my journey. It lead to the discoveries of the fundamental facts I listed and propelled me to dig in and do the work because my inner demons finally had names. Giving my deepest insecurities names made them easier to understand and demystified them. Sharing them with others removed my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I found people who could sit in the dark with me and just be. There was a mutual understanding of being in that dark place.
Within the Cherry Blossom community, I found family, understanding, and an opportunity to step into the role of a leader– something I was afraid to do at home. Without the young women I’ve been surrounded by, I have no idea what I would’ve done during my many transitions and weak points of this journey. So I do want to thank each and every part of Cherry Blossom and Redwood, both staff and clients, for reaching in and letting me reach out.
I also want to take a second to thank my team: Toni, for helping me understand more about myself and what I deserve– as well as for being such a light in my treatment journey. My first transition specialist, Annelese, for being a friend and the calm within the storm, understanding me in a way that so few ever have. My current TS, Hannah, for helping me finish off strong and for her new perspective. Duke, Z, and Clifton for being such powerful leaders within CB.
Thank you to my family. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am right now. My new dynamic with them is something I could’ve never imagined– but they took the plunge with me, and worked with me and on themselves throughout this journey. Now, I feel comfortable enough to be open and honest about myself with them.
Thank you to my darling boyfriend, who flew halfway across the country to be here for this, and has stood by my side every step of the way, just like he said he would.
I’m completely overwhelmed with love and gratefulness now. Where I used to feel like every day was a waste, now it’s like they all have potential. I sincerely don’t know where I would be if I had never come to Fulshear.
For those of you who are new to Fulshear, just visiting, or are further along within the process, I truly hope you find your real core meaning– the thing that fuels you to take on each day with a sense of happiness and determination, and can live within it, as I now am.
I finally feel confident enough to take the driver’s seat in my life, and do what I love without feeling shame or anxiety about my confidence. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.