From Loneliness and Denial to Capability and Worthiness

When I found out I was coming to Fulshear, I attempted to avoid it at all costs. I spoke to my DCS attorney and convinced her that treatment would only traumatize me more and that being controlled was not going to help me with my depression – so she shut it down. Until I turned eighteen four months later, Fulshear was out of the question. Then I found out I was not going to be able to go to college and had to go to treatment, and my active mind decided that this could be the best stepping stone to my career as an attorney. I could come here, analyze everything that happened, record any unethical things, and then sue as soon as I left. In my plan, I was going to be here for a maximum of six weeks, two of which would be on the ranch, so when I first arrived, I had to seriously consider if it was even worth it to unpack. My suitcase got taken away, so instead, I just folded my clothes so that they could be easily transferred.

Several days later, after I had met all the girls who I considered to be legitimately crazy, I finished my HSI book to find that it didn’t make any difference in the time frame, as the phases were about improvement. I thought this was the scariest thing I’d ever heard until Michelle told me in one of her groups that this is a nine to twelve-month program, and that trauma would likely be a part of my life for a long time. I covered up the fear of being out of control by devising an ingenious plan to discharge myself and live in the field across the street if things didn’t change in a month. Things changed, and instead of moving to the apartments when I had planned, my life was filled with horses, treatment team, drama, and heated protests.

When I got here my mind was so filled with my own beliefs and what I thought were my values, that I couldn’t understand how I could make friends, as we just seemed so different. In reality, by distancing myself from girls, who, it turns out, are a lot like me, I could continue to avoid the questions I had about life, values, and feelings I wanted to pretend I didn’t have. Somewhere along the way, I realized that how I imagined my relationship with my family before treatment included me being adopted, going off to college, getting married, and then never talking to them again. Being here was proof to me that I could never have a family, it was the representation of how powerless I had felt throughout my life and the fact that even in changing families I couldn’t run away from that.

Nine months later, I can say that my journey here was one of the hardest experiences of my life. There were many occasions of frustration, endless drama, things I viewed as injustice, and sometimes feeling unsafe. As much as I wanted to be, I wasn’t perfect. I made mistakes and sometimes self-sabotaged along the way. I found many opportunities to avoid taking responsibility in my interactions with others. In short, this experience wasn’t what I asked for or expected, but this is exactly why I learned from it.

• By spending time with girls who were different than me, I learned that my way wasn’t the only way and that what’s right for me isn’t exactly right to everyone else.
• I learned how to hold boundaries, figured out what some of my real values are, and learned how to improve while still being myself.
• Despite isolating, breaks, and my stubbornness, I’ve made friends along the way who inspire me and help me see the beauty in life.
• Though I didn’t want connections with some people here, every single person I met taught me something about myself and about others.
• Instead of leaving my family forever, I actually have a healthier relationship with them and it’s not going to go away just because I’m an adult.
• What I would’ve taken with me if I had stayed for six weeks was control, loneliness, denial, and avoidance, but what I’m taking with me now are priceless memories that prove that I am capable, loveable, and worthy and that I have incredible strength to come out of trials. This really has been an adventure of a thousand moments.

I am grateful for all that I’ve learned here, for my wonderful therapist and transition specialist, for the friends I’ve made on this journey, and most importantly for my parents, who cared enough to send me here, wisely ignored my requests to leave, and continued to support me through the ups and downs.