I Finally Started Taking Responsibility for Myself

On February 24th, 2012, after many months at an adolescent treatment facility in Provo, Utah, I was finally being discharged. That same day I boarded a plane for Texas. After a long and seemingly successful therapeutic experience, I had voluntarily enrolled in Fulshear Ranch Academy to finish treatment and prepare for independence and adulthood.

The following September, after about seven months at the ranch, I went on a home visit. Being back home with my family in the familiar setting of my “real life,” it became clear to me that despite years of treatment, I had not really changed. Now I was at Fulshear at risk, once again, of not changing. I was working the program, I realized, for all the wrong reasons.

That home visit was a definite eye-opener. So when I got back, I finally had the motivation to dig in and work the program for myself. Things moved quickly for me after that. I started participating in the program more actively and attending groups regularly; so after only a couple of weeks back, I was able to transition to the apartments. Soon after that, I was hired for two part-time jobs. There were still daily struggles-like when my first therapist left the program-and life certainly wasn’t perfect. But I made a lot of progress in Phase 6 and earned a tentative graduation date of February 1st, 2013.

Not long after this initial turnaround, though, I started slipping. I distanced myself from staff and from the program in general; I acted as if I didn’t care. I skipped groups, I missed curfews, I took rides in cars not owned by Fulshear. I disengaged from the program, and as a result, hurt the people that I cared about the most. I was pulling away from the same people who had given me my life back. So the first week in January, after failing a drug test, breaking countless rules, and showing a lack of respect toward people who cared deeply about me, I was asked to leave the program.

I wanted to emphasize to you all, that this wasn’t how I wanted to “graduate.” I messed up; staffers told me time and time again that there were going to be consequences. But I did not listen. For most of you, Fulshear represents the last chance; how many of you are really taking that fact seriously? I definitely didn’t, and it was almost disastrous. I’m so very lucky that I was able to pick myself up and start over.

I used to complain about the rules and all the things I had to do at Fulshear. But since leaving, I’ve realized that the demands of Fulshear are nothing compared to the demands of real life. At Fulshear, things are handed to us on a silver platter. The real challenge, I’ve discovered, is leaving and learning to use all the tools and skills that Fulshear’s therapists and staffers do their best to help us learn.

What I did not realize when I was slacking off and disengaging was that my biggest worry shouldn’t have been getting kicked out. My real worry should have been having no clue what to do once I was in the real world. Just as I was, many of you may be a little conceited, thinking that you can do it on your own without help or guidance. But do you really know what that entails? Can you get a job, and keep it? Can you schedule all of your own therapy, and psychiatry appointments, and somehow manage to arrive at them on time? Do you know what to do when one of your prescriptions run out? Do you know how to apply to college without help and how to order your high school transcripts? Do you know how to apply for SSI, and what the process is? Do you know how to live on a budget? And I’m not just talking about grocery shopping! Do you know where you are planning to live after Fulshear?

All of these questions should put perspective that the challenges of Fulshear are nothing compared to what you will be faced with a few short months from now. But, every single member of the treatment team and staff are here to guide you in the right direction so you don’t fall on your face after you leave. The help is being offered, now it’s your choice whether or not you’re going to accept it and grow from it.

“Persevere” is a word that has come to mean a lot to me since leaving Fulshear. It means I will persist in anything I undertake. It means that I will maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement. After being asked to leave Fulshear, I went home feeling worthless and hopeless, knowing that if only I had done better I would still be in Texas surrounded by people who loved and supported me. But after thinking about my situation for a while, my attitude began to shift. I reread goodbye letters from staff and friends at Fulshear. These people had become family to me. I realized I had to make something of myself. Otherwise the eleven months I spent at Fulshear was for nothing; the relationships I had built with staff, the growth I had experienced, and the progress I had made would all be a waste.

So I started moving. I found a local therapist that specialized in one of my core issues and I started going to therapy three times a week. I started going to church and met an amazing family with six kids. I woke up every morning to go to their house and fell in love with these kids. Living with mental illness isn’t easy, some days are harder than others, but these kids looked at me like I was their hero. I applied to Azusa Pacific University and I will be going part-time in the fall. I plan to major in psychology so that I can eventually become a therapist and hopefully become half as good as Diane someday.

Nonetheless, every day of the week I’m doing something. Whether it is volunteering, studying, attending therapy, or hanging out with friends from church, staying busy gives my life meaning and purpose. My hopes and dreams are what give me the tools to get out of my lows. I’ve learned I can be whoever I want to be and nothing as insignificant as a diagnosis or a medication can stop me from achieving my goals.

It wasn’t until after leaving Fulshear that I finally started taking responsibility for myself. But I know that without my time at Fulshear, I wouldn’t have any of this. Though my experience involved some bumps and wrong turns to the point of being kicked out, I have a very different outlook on life than I did the day I entered Fulshear. I could go on and on about how thankful I am. But I also know that this is just what they do at Fulshear-this is their job. And if you let them help you, you could be in your best place too.